I’ve known him for four months now. We’re in the same class and we became friends. Everything was great: his best friend was one of my best friends, we hung out everyday.

One day when we were at the library with my friend, he joined us. It was the first time my friend and him met. When he left, she told me that he had a crush on me. I laughed. He’s too good of a friend.

A few weeks later, he started to leave a few hints: he’d say that I was the best or that I liked it when he was being romantic. I played with him. I teased him, knowing that nothing would happen as I didn’t think anyone could ever like me.

I’ve never had a boyfriend or let alone kissed anyone. I’ve had a lot of crushes, but dating was scaring me. I’m 17.

Yesterday we spent the day at my apartment to work together. After we studied for less than fifteen minutes, he asked me if we could watch a movie. I said yes. I sat on the sofa with a blanket, he was next to me. Every five minutes or so, he got closer to me. I didn’t understand what was happening. After the movie ended, he put the blanket over our heads, put on a calm song and we talked under the blanket for 20 minutes. The conversation was getting deeper. He asked me about my family, when we usually only talk about school. I checked the time. He was supposed to leave 30 minutes ago. I told him. He said that he’d rather spend time with than do what he had to do. I said I had to leave. On my way to meet my family, I couldn’t stop smiling.

I texted my best friend. « Something weird happened. » I can’t date him. I don’t mind kissing him, because the whole « first kiss » deal would be behind me. But everybody at school would know. They can’t know. But I’m not brave enough to tell him no, before, or after the kiss. I don’t want to be with him. But hopefully I just imagined this.

During my economy class today, he was behind me talking to our best friend in common. I could hear everything they were saying. « But which movies did you watch? », « Why didn’t you kiss her? » « Don’t worry, it’ll happen by itself » « You’ll see, after two weeks of dating, the sex will come naturally. »

I froze. My palms were getting wet. My heart was pounding in my chest. I was thinking so fast. I wasn’t thinking at all. I was shaking. I felt disgusted. I was an object. I felt betrayed by my friend. Did he know about this? WHY WERE THEY TALKING ABOUT THIS WHEN THEY KNEW I WASN’T FAR AWAY.