02.01.15 & 02.06.15

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When I woke up on Sunday morning, my first thought was « WHAT. THE. HELL. » I checked my phone and saw that he had sent me another text asking if I was doing better. I told him we needed to talk. He replied « Sure, tomorrow morning, face to face ».

I spent the day hungover, and only thinking about what had happened.

We had lunch together on Monday. I had never been that nervous before. When I got to his appartement, he tried to kiss me, but I kissed him on the cheek. « Oh.. » he said. Awkward. He had set the table and made us pastas. We started by talking about school and out of nowhere he said « So.. Saturday night.. ». I read to him a list of what I had to tell him I had made the previous day:

-why did you kiss me when I was so drunk you knew I couldn’t react?

-why didn’t you come upstairs when I asked you to?

-I’m sorry I threw up on you.

He then told me that he liked me and that I was « pretty, funny and smart » and that we should date without telling anyone but our best friends at first, to see how our relationship was evolving. I agreed. I was happy. Before arriving to school, we kissed.

As I arrived to class, everyone, absolutely everyone, was looking at me. And for the next 3 days, the only subject on everyone lips was him and I kissing. It felt like a bad teenager comedy. But it actually made me laugh, and I enjoyed lying to everyone about us not dating, way too much.

After school, we would wait until everyone left to go to a coffee shop, or to my appartement and we would have the best time. It lasted until the next friday. 4 days. We were in Spanish class when I realized I didn’t want to date him. It hit me hard. All of what had happened felt too weird to even think about it. I told myself that I would wait another week to see if my feelings would change.

But that Friday night, as I was having dinner with my friends they told me that he had told one of his friend « yeah, I think we might date soon », which I thought was funny, until they added « I mean, she’s not only pretty, but also sexy as fuck, and she lives 2 minutes away from school so it’s convenient for you know, between classes ». I almost cried.

On the next day, one week day to day after we first kissed, I told him I had to tell him something:

-I was told what you said

-Who do you trust the most? Him or me?

-But I have something else I have to tell you.. I think we made a mistake, trying to date ..

-What? But is it about what he said? Because it’s not true!

-No.. It’s not only about that!

-So what is it then?

-Well, I think I don’t feel the same as you do.. And I’m sorry to tell you this now, but I feel like it wouldn’t have been fair not telling you..

-But things were going great, how can you say that? How do you know your feelings are not going to change?

-I don’t know, I’m so sorry, but I’m just not feeling it..

-Are you being serious here??

-Hey, I’m so sorry, I really am, but I hope it’s not going to create any drama..

-It obviously is going to.

-I’m so sorry..

As much as I felt bad, I was beyond relieved too. It was over. Everything was over. Yes, he would be mad at me for a few days, but everything would go back to normal soon.

But I received a text from him a few hours later. « I just want to make sure you really thought  your decision through and that it’s not only about what you were told. » DIDN’T HE GET IT? I DIDN’T FREACKIN’ LIKE HIM AS SOMETHING ELSE THAN A FRIEND.

But he insisted. He would not stop texting me, asking for explanations. I eventually stopped answering.

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01.31.15

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Saturday night. I drank. Too much. I was falling asleep on the sofa, when someone took me by the hand.

The next thing I remember is being in a closet, in the dark, kissing him. He told me he liked me from the day he met me. He asked me if I wanted to go out with him and I answered « I don’t know ». He told me I was pretty. We kissed. Again. And again. « My hair is in your mouth. » I told him « Your hair is gorgeous. » What was happening? I didn’t realize anything. Our best friend whom birthday we were celebrating was screaming, I told him « IT’S HIS BIRTHDAY WE SHOULD CELEBRATE » but after kissing me again he told me that this was the best present we could ever make to our friend. I asked him if we could go to the movies « whatever you want »,  he whispered.

We kissed again. He kept asking me if I wanted to go out with him, and I kept answering « I don’t know ». We kissed. He told me that he had been wanting to kiss me for a long time. I hugged him. We kissed. I threw up. Twice.

Next thing I know, I was in a bathroom being cleaned up by two of my friends. « YOU LEFT THE BOAT!! » one of them screamed. I had left the « never been kissed before » boat. They were so happy for me and told me that everyone had been waiting for this moment to arrive. I felt so sick. They told me that him and I had spent an hour in that closet. My pants were covered in vomit.

Lila took me upstairs, joggers were given to me, they laid me in a bed and made me drink some water. I was left alone in that room but I couldn’t sleep. I called my best friend for half an hour. What had just happened?? Some girl from my school came in the bed with me. « I don’t want it to be Monday » I whispered. She replied « don’t worry, if you don’t want to date him, you’re not forced to. » It made me feel better. She left for the bathroom because she had to puke. I texted him asking if he could come to the room. He didn’t answer. I fell asleep.

It was 4 AM when I woke up, I went downstairs, ready to party again. But here he was.. He hugged me and asked if I was doing okay, I quickly said yes.. Our best friend who was hosting the party came to me laughing and danced with me. I can’t remember if I was happy or not.

Lila and I then decided to leave the party, and while waiting for our taxi to arrive, the random girl from my school came to me and told me that she had spoken to him, and that he really didn’t care about me, that he just kissed me because he was drunk. I was so happy Camille told me that, things weren’t going to be weird after all!

As we were about to go to bed, I got a text from him. « Are you feeling better? ♡ » He usually never uses hearts in his texts.

01.26.15

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I’ve known him for four months now. We’re in the same class and we became friends. Everything was great: his best friend was one of my best friends, we hung out everyday.

One day when we were at the library with my friend, he joined us. It was the first time my friend and him met. When he left, she told me that he had a crush on me. I laughed. He’s too good of a friend.

A few weeks later, he started to leave a few hints: he’d say that I was the best or that I liked it when he was being romantic. I played with him. I teased him, knowing that nothing would happen as I didn’t think anyone could ever like me.

I’ve never had a boyfriend or let alone kissed anyone. I’ve had a lot of crushes, but dating was scaring me. I’m 17.

Yesterday we spent the day at my apartment to work together. After we studied for less than fifteen minutes, he asked me if we could watch a movie. I said yes. I sat on the sofa with a blanket, he was next to me. Every five minutes or so, he got closer to me. I didn’t understand what was happening. After the movie ended, he put the blanket over our heads, put on a calm song and we talked under the blanket for 20 minutes. The conversation was getting deeper. He asked me about my family, when we usually only talk about school. I checked the time. He was supposed to leave 30 minutes ago. I told him. He said that he’d rather spend time with than do what he had to do. I said I had to leave. On my way to meet my family, I couldn’t stop smiling.

I texted my best friend. « Something weird happened. » I can’t date him. I don’t mind kissing him, because the whole « first kiss » deal would be behind me. But everybody at school would know. They can’t know. But I’m not brave enough to tell him no, before, or after the kiss. I don’t want to be with him. But hopefully I just imagined this.

During my economy class today, he was behind me talking to our best friend in common. I could hear everything they were saying. « But which movies did you watch? », « Why didn’t you kiss her? » « Don’t worry, it’ll happen by itself » « You’ll see, after two weeks of dating, the sex will come naturally. »

I froze. My palms were getting wet. My heart was pounding in my chest. I was thinking so fast. I wasn’t thinking at all. I was shaking. I felt disgusted. I was an object. I felt betrayed by my friend. Did he know about this? WHY WERE THEY TALKING ABOUT THIS WHEN THEY KNEW I WASN’T FAR AWAY.